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21.06.03 - 11:37 p.m.
my first entry. well, on this account.
hazzaa! i have my new account that no one knows about! yay!
okay, i'm done.
i have not had the greatest day. i was swimming with my best friend jordan (who i happen to be madly in love with) and a couple of friends when his girlfriend jazz showed up. she's nice enough normally, but now she was bitching to jordan 'bout how he is cheating on her (with me), ignoring her (he's not but if he is, it's for a good cause) and mistreating her (if anyone's being mistreated, it's him. he treats her like a princess, she calls him her bitch behind his back). she is so depndant on him i feel like slapping her 'round the head and saying "get a life and get off jordan! you don't deserve to breathe the same fucking air as him!". but, unfortunatly, i didn't.
more fun follows. guess what? jordan likes me too! yippe-do-da-day!
oh god, i hate life.
then i get in a fight with my 'rents. i went out and didn't come back for an hour. i came back in at 9:30 p.m, and did anyone care? NOOOOOPE! god, i hate life sometimes!
nothing should cause this much pain. nothing. hell would be a welcome release from all this torture! it's not fair. i always end up hurt. i'm always the one who get's left bleeding. i always get my heart broken.
why am i telling you this? i'm the world famous ice-queen. i have no feelings, no friends, no heart. nothing you can say phases me, right?
wrong.
outside, i have this demeanour of aloofness, sarcasm and bitterness. but inside, i am as broken and as torn as if i had eaten glass. that's why i am the secret crier. i don't cry in front of anyone. only jordan. he is the only person alive to see behind the mask and see the pain underneath. and he still accepts me, understands me and loves me for...me. around him i feel safe and loved and myself. he is the only warth in a blizzard of pain. the only light in the darkness that threatens to swallow me forever.
also, i am one of the only people i know who cuts myself. my friend yvonne is way worse but i will go into that another day. there are two small scars on my wrist and 7 on my hand. i like to break things. and throw things too.
"i am the wind i wander alone but to where? and what? no one knows"
aren't i special?
i'm a poet too. here's a cool one that kinda fits my theme;
All alone I sit and cry.
All Alone.
All alone I want to die.
All Alone.
All alone with my fears.
All Alone.
All alone with my tears.
All Alone.
Alone with my broken heart.
All Alone.
Alone with memories of who tore me apart.
All Alone.
i have to go to bed now, it's...really late and i'm tired. i'm glad i got to write this. i feel a bit better. good night.
~DJ Mayhem
Currantly listening to: Metallica "St. Anger"
